Dead and buried
by Sparring Woodpecker
Summary: Regina fakes her own death, leaving Emma to deal with her emotions towards the loss of Regina and all the other issues in her life.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is one of those tales that demands to be written and won't let you write anything else until you have. Trigger warnings will be put at the beginning of each chapter when needed. If you identify with any of the emotions portrayed in this fic, stay strong X**

**Trigger warning: Suicide**

_I see now that any hope of redemption I might have harboured was futile. No matter what I do I cannot redeem myself in your eyes or the eyes of my son. I am distrusted, thought of as a ticking bomb and hated by everyone. _

_Some people, I believe, were not meant to be in this world, or any other. We will be accepted no where and life strives to show this to us, everyone tries to demonstrate this._

_Ultimately, despite my regret over some of my actions, I would do it all again and I despise myself for it because it shows who I truly am. I would not change a moment that led to Henry, he was the best thing in my life but I know now that he was never truly mine, and no-one would let him be the son of the Evil Queen. You've won._

_Please, let me die as Regina. _

Regina signed her name with a flourish and read over her handy work with tears in her eyes. It was time to say goodbye, to leave.

XXX

Emma shuffled through the mail at the sheriffs' station disinterestedly. Mostly they were written complaints, mainly about Leroy being drunk and disorderly. Emma, along with the rest of Storybrooke had long given up on him and as long as he wasn't getting into a fight they wouldn't phone anymore. She never got thank you notes. Emma wasn't sure if she was grateful for that or just pissed.

Suddenly the precise handwriting on one of the envelopes caught her eye. The precise handwriting of Regina Mills. She knew the mayors handwriting well, she had received many complaints from her and although many were emailed, if Regina was really pissed at something, mainly Emma, then she would hand write the complaint.

Emma grew wary as she tried to ascertain what it was exactly that she had done this time. Then she noticed the way the envelope was addresses.

'Sheriff Emma Swan' Usually people addressed the letter as 'the Sheriffs office' or just 'Sheriff Swan'. It was especially rare to have Regina use her first name.

Emma disregarded the other letters as she slit the envelope open with her letter opener. Shaking the letter out Emma only had to read the first line before her eyes went wide and she was sprinting to the patrol car, mobile in hand.

Jamming the siren and lights on Emma took stupid risks to get to the mayors house, in the vain hope that Regina had changed her mind or not got around to doing the unthinkable.

She jumped out of the car, leaving the door wide open and the siren still wailing. A solid boot to the door and Emma had rushed into the Mayoral Mansion.

"REGINA! DON'T! REGINA!" Emma yelled as she tore through the house, throwing open doors with loud careless bangs.

Emma stopped stock still in the entrance to the kitchen as she spotted a tight-covered, high-heel wearing leg poke out from around the kitchen island. Emma sprang forward, her hand going to Regina's pulse, waiting thirty seconds despite the pallor of her skin and the cold touch of death. Nothing.

Emma slowly backed up to the wall, staring at the unmoving form as she slid down, hands clasping her head and sobs choking fro her throat. She stared and stared and stared as tears leaked from her eyes and the clock ticked on and on.

XXX

Regina settled herself in a soft armchair and threw a hand out at the fireplace, igniting the logs within. A glass of apple cider swirled in her other hand as she contemplated the day.

After posting the letter she had magiced a store dummy into her likeness. The magic was taxing but Regina needed her handy work to be believable. She had retreated to a secret cabin in the woods and sat.

A phone call at nine the next morning alerted her to the arrival of her letter. She let her mobile ring out.

"REGINA! DON'T DO IT! I'M COMING JUST HOLD ON!" Emma's voice had blared out of the phone. Regina snarled to herself, just listen to Emma, the _saviour_, she doesn't really care, she just doesn't want to tell Henry that good can drive someone to death, pathetic.

Regina didn't even know why she had taken her phone with her, she didn't need it, she was essentially dead. She hadn't taken much with her, she needed to make it seem that she had overdosed, taking all her belongings would look suspicious.

XXX

Days passed in silence, Regina immersing herself in cooking. The ringing of her phone broke the silence. Regina jumped and cursed as flour exploded everywhere.

"Regina Mills, leave a message after the tone."

The call clicked off.

XXX

Emma stared mutely at the phone in her hand as Regina's voice filled the room. She ended the call before the tone could sound. She didn't know why she had phoned her, she didn't really know anything at the moment.

Snow had suggested that she see Archie, but Emma had refused. She was too messed up and she didn't want to burden anyone else with her issues. How could anyone ever understand? She didn't really understand herself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Trigger warning: Grief **

Five more days passed and Regina was on her sixth book and bored. She had never been a social butterfly and was often shunned, she hadn't minded being lonely with people around her but there was something different about being lonely by yourself. She didn't even have internet, although she was working on getting that rectified.

The phone rung again. Curiously Regina checked the screen to find that it was Emma, again. She had checked who the previous call was from. This time when the tone sounded the call didn't click of. There was silence for a moment, then a few deep breaths.

"I… Hey." Emma sounded lost and sad; Regina assumed she had a wrong number. "Your bodies gonna get buried tomorrow, in your crypt thing. I…I don't even know why I'm doing this. It's stupid." The call clicked off.

Regina stared incredulously at the device on the table in front of the sofa. Emma had called her. Emma had called her even though she thought her to be dead. Regina couldn't understand the woman.

XXX

"So, I went to your funeral today. Gold showed his face for all of five minutes. Snow and David were there, although I know you wouldn't have wanted that. And Henry. Poor kids heartbroken. I'm… He loves you so much, loved you. I'm back here now. I just… I don't know. I guess I couldn't say goodbye properly with everyone around. I m… I lo… I… Goodbye Regina." Emma suppressed a sob as she cancelled the call and left the cemetery, leaving behind a single red rose on her tomb alongside the sprig of Apple Blossom Henry had put there earlier, before the sun had set.

XXX

Tears fell as Regina repeated Emma's voicemail for the thousandth time. Henry had loved her. He had loved her, but she would never be his mother. She had made the right decision.

And Emma… Well she didn't know what to think about Emma. She had found herself staring at the phone, but Emma had said goodbye, that was pretty final. And what did she care for Miss Swan?

Regina put a documentary on but wasn't really paying attention to it; she was just trying to fill the silence in the cabin.

The phone rang; Regina snatched it off the table and cradled it to her as she waited for the voicemail to start.

"Hey. Town's still standing without you, just. I arrested Leroy again; he's doing my head in down the station, so I went for a walk." Emma sounded falsely cheerful and conversational. "I…I can't face going to sort through your stuff. I have no idea what to do with it. I have no idea why I'm the one that needs to do anything. And… I, I guess I don't want to admit your gone. I keep expecting you to walk into my office, or insult me in the street, or even to punch me in the face as I turn around a corner.

Henry's doing ok; in fact I think he's handling this all so much better than I am. I love… Henry. The kid's great, you did a good job. I'm glad he went to…I couldn't of… I… Henry was watching batman, some school project. Film reviews, I told Mary-Margaret that that's a stupid assignment but she said it was that or constructing a perfect paper airplane and she didn't want Henry chucking planes around the apartment. I told her that she could just give out some maths problems but apparently there's some issue with that. Don't ask me what.

I've been practising my magic. I've sealed off your crypt thing so that only Henry and I can go in. So that nobody could disturb your… your… you know.

Yeah… I can create a small spark that jumps from my thumb to my finger. It's completely pathetic and you would laugh. Henry doesn't. Henry doesn't know that I'm practising magic. I wasn't just you he disliked for using it, it was everyone.

I…er…I better get back to the station, Leroy should be sober by now, and if not I'm sure I could accidently pour water over him.

Er, yeah. Well…" The phone clicked off again. Regina replayed the message a small smile tugging at her lips at all the mundane gossip Emma was deciding to tell her, even though she didn't know she was alive. She wondered what Emma kept stopping herself from saying repeatedly.


	3. Chapter 3

Emma sat on a bench at the docks, staring out across the water. It was on reflex that she pulled out her phone and dialled Regina's number, comforted by Regina's voice.

"Hey." She started softly. "It's a beautiful evening. I'm down at the docks, it's relaxing, feeling so small compared to the ocean. I went to your house today, got as far as taking some of Henry's stuff from his room. I just felt like I was trespassing, it's your house, and it always will be.

Although I am kinda curious about what you have, like in some random secret drawer or under a floorboard or behind a bookcase, cos I'm sure that you've got one, with like some really creepy crap in. It's kinda exciting and intriguing, and after all I'm a detective. I will find out.

I'm really surprised that your phones still connected and that it hasn't run out of battery. But I don't mind. It makes you seem more, I dunno, alive. Real. Like I, erm, Henry didn't lose you." Emma pulled the tab of her can of beer and let it fizz for a moment before she managed to end the call.

XXX

Regina had been charging her phone. For some reason she enjoyed all these messages from Emma. They made her smile and she didn't feel as lonely. She had just settled into bed when the phone went of again and Emma's voice slurred through the voicemail. Regina knew that Emma had started drinking a couple of hours ago at the end of her last call but was still surprised by just how drunk Emma sounded.

"Damnit Regina! Why don't you pick up? Please pick up. I need someone to talk to. I need you. I want you. I…I don't know what t' do without you. How can everyone go on when your not here? How can everyone go on when the world is crumbling? How? I want you. Please come back. Please just answer your phone. I never hated you Regina, ever. Even when you were insultin' me and we were hittin' each other. I never hated you cos, cos I loved you. I love you…" Emma's heartfelt sobs could be heard over the phone for well over ten minutes and Regina felt a dull ache in her chest and she didn't know what to do about it.

XXX

Emma panicked the next morning when she awoke in the back of her bug and checked her phone to find that she had drunk dialled Regina in the night.

"Shit! Don't listen to anything I said. I'm such an emotional drunk and I'll say anything!" Emma barked at her phone, not even knowing why she felt the need to call a dead persons phone to say this.

When she got back to the apartment Snow bothered her, getting on her case about getting drunk and staying out all night and how she should really be more responsible. Beyond that Snow didn't even bother trying to find out why Emma had done it, just that she had, and that she had abandoned her eleven year old son to do it.

XXX

Regina received Emma's latest message and frowned. Sure she had assumed that Emma didn't really mean that she loved her, who could? But she was surprised Emma had called her phone to say that. It's almost as if she knew she were alive.

At the same time Regina wondered if any of what Emma had slurred was true. Sometimes alcohol had a truth serum effect on people. She itched to hear Emma's voice again, to find out the truth. She wanted to call her, but she stopped herself. She was meant to be dead after all.

But Emma didn't want her dead. And from the snatches of her life that Regina had pieced together she guessed Emma was in self-destruct mode and she was concerned over how far the woman would take it. For Henry, she was concerned about Emma for Henry.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: The italics is Regina's handwriting, it was originally meant to be in Blackadder ITC font if you want to look it up.**

**Trigger warnings: Self harm in the form of biting and scratching.**

**Suicide**

Emma searched the mayoral mansion, she felt a great urge to find Regina's mobile but she couldn't find it anywhere. On instinct she phoned it, who knew what weird storage habits Regina could have, could have had.

"Where is your phone? Where the hell would you keep your phone?" Emma mused to the voicemail, having failed to hear it ring. She wander around some more, humming to herself on the phone. "Where's your charger? That's weird. It's not with the other chargers. It's kinda like you've got it." Emma sat down and bit the back of her hand to hold back the urge to yell and throw something as Regina's death hit her again.

She let out a grunt of pain as she forced herself to stop increasing the pressure of her bite just before she broke her skin. She didn't need any lasting marks for people to question. Not that many people pay attention, especially not to the bruises that her bites left. They were easily explained away.

She hated the way that the pain helped but she knew it was better than the alternative. She had seen some pretty dark times and she was terrified of going back to those mental hells that she had found herself in and that she couldn't help but remember in the dark of night. Or when she got onto certain lines of thinking.

Biting and scratching stopped her thinking without alerting anyone to anything being wrong. Over the years she had learnt to hide the markings until they faded. Whenever she felt herself slipping she would distract herself.

Many times she ran, got as far away as possible and outdistanced her troubles and her thoughts. But here she couldn't, she had responsibilities, as Snow kept reminding her, a job, a son who depended on her, hell a whole damn town whom she was suppose to be the saviour of. She had a family. She lived in a fairy tale but she felt the darkness more keenly than she had for years, there was so much to deal with and she couldn't run. She had to be a role model, she couldn't let anyone see her weaknesses but so many people were now climbing her walls and she was terrified that when they found out who she really was they would leave her, abandon her, just like her parents, just like her foster families. They would see how dark she could be, how much she wanted to hurt people at times, they would see how she felt about the person they hated the most. They would leave her just as she was getting use to having people in her life.

Pain was the only way she could stop herself doing something she'd regret or going down a line of thought that would lead her back to her own personal hell where she hated everything, she hated the world, she hated everyone but most of all she hated herself. But she was too much of a coward to do anything more than bite and scratch, she was too much of a coward to let people know that she wasn't coping because she was terrified. She had always been too much of a coward to do what Regina had done, just a few pills, that's all it would take, but no, Emma Swan was too much of a coward to do that.

It had been getting worse recently, she felt like she couldn't control anything but the pain stopping her from slipping away into darkness. And then Regina had died. Regina had been one of her few distractions. It felt so normal and as much as she fought with Regina she had liked her and she most certainly didn't want her dead.

She released her hand from her mouth. "I'll come back another time. I can't…" Another choked sob, she hated how emotional she had become lately. She hated how she had never told Regina half the things she had been saying on the phone. She hated how they had never been even friends. And it was her fault. Emma growled and ran her nails harshly across her chest a couple of times to stop that trail of thought. "I'm goin' for a run." Emma growled, snapping the call of.

XXX

Regina heard the anguished noises, the noises of pain. She knew something wasn't right but was conflicted over what to do. She desperately wanted to phone; she desperately wanted to hear a bit of joy in Emma's voice. But at the same time she was dead. Revealing she wasn't would hurt her, or just cause Emma to think she was going mad. But she couldn't let the saviour destroy herself.

Regina sat at the table and wrote.

_Miss Swan_

_I predicted that my leaving would have some adverse effects, although I am sure many are celebrating. Despite how much I loathed you I know that you will be blaming yourself. Don't do anything stupid. Do not make Henry suffer. You do not deserve any pain you may be inflicting upon yourself, both mentally and physically. You have people who love you and take it from me, that is a precious thing and something that you need to focus on. _

_Distract yourself, I know cooking is a good distraction and despite the disastrous I know that you could create by taking up that hobby I would also wish my son to have some decent home cooked nutritional meals that have been provided by a parent. Who knows, perhaps you may find that you are able to make something edible._

_Don't let people push you into behaving a certain way, although I doubt this will be an issue as you never let me tell you what to do even if it was for your own good. From experience I can tell you that everyone grieves in their own way and if you find it helpful and it isn't hurting yourself or Henry then do it. _

_Regina Mills_

XXX

Emma found a folded sheet of paper on her desk. She unfolded it to find Regina's handwriting. Tears sprang to her eyes once again and she raked her nails harshly across her forearm leaving angry red marks in their wake in an attempt to stop the tears from falling.

Once Emma's vision had cleared she sat down and absorbed the note. Regina had thought of her before she had killed herself, and she had known Emma would need to know that.

"Hey Regina. Thanks for the note. I guess I'd like to say that I'm not hurting myself; I'm fine, and so's Henry. He hasn't contracted food poisoning yet. Also I can make decent scrabbled eggs. I had a good run. I took one of the forest tracks and listened to my ipod. I like running, even if I just end up back in the same place, it makes me feel free, just for a little bit. Perhaps you should have… yeah, I'm gonna keep running; explore some more of the woods. I'm alone there and it's peaceful. It's much nicer to be alone with your thoughts outdoors in the woods than alone with your thoughts in the comfort of your own bedroom.

I used to be afraid of the woods when I was younger. Well, perhaps afraid is the wrong word, apprehensive? Either way that was because it was were the wolf tried to eat Little Red Riding Hood but now that I know that Red is the wolf then, well you kind of view it differently. Not to mention Rubes would totally kick that wolves ass if it hadn't have been her. And I have a gun and know how to use a sword, and magic. No wonder everyone viewed you as the fearless Evil Queen, you feel so powerful with magic.

And when I said that I know how to use a sword, I can hold it without cutting myself and try to copy moves from movies. It's not like I have any fancy moves up my sleeve or anything. I mean I defeated that dragon by pure chance and having a massive target. And I punched Hook, and realistically everyone gets the best of Hook.

I miss you. Bye."


	5. Chapter 5

Regina waited a few hours before magicking a new letter onto Emma's bed, hoping that no one else would see it first.

_Miss Swan_

_In leaving I hope that I can do some good. Know that I can recognise a tortured soul._

_How long has it been since you have honestly told anyone you're fine or you're ok? Have you even said it recently? Can you tell yourself honestly that you are? _

_You need to think hard about this, not for anyone else but for yourself. I need my son to have a mother who is stable and who he can rely on. _

_Regina Mills._

XXX

_Always remember, Miss Swan that Henry chose you over me and that you have saved many people. You are the Saviour and I know that you will still blame yourself over my fate but I feel that I need to remind you that I was beyond saving since the age of eighteen when my beloved Daniel was murdered. The seed of darkness and hatefulness was sown and I set of along the path of revenge, the path of no return. Do not do this to yourself or to Henry, Miss Swan. _

Emma found the note on her bedside table when she awoke in the morning and safely stored it in a draw with the other notes. She smiled, she didn't want to because she felt so bad but just knowing that Regina had been thinking about her enough to do this made her feel a bit warm inside.

[Thanks. It's awesome that you thought of me.] Emma was tempted to add 'I'm fine' to the end of her text but refrained as she remembered the note from the previous evening.

XXX

Regina smiled at the text, she was slightly disappointed not to hear Emma's voice but was perceptive enough to realise that Emma hadn't said how she was. A smile tugged at her lips as she thought about Emma taking her notes to heart. She imagined Emma pausing before pressing send, reading through her message and deliberating over what to write, even though she thought her contact wasn't going to anyone.

"It's raining. At least it's not drizzling, it's proper rain. I always used to fantasise about having romantic moments in the rain. Now I know that I'd just get a cold. I did stay out in the rain once, not because of a romantic moment though, because I was ill and had a temperature and thought that the rain would help. Well it helped with the temperature for a bit but then I just stayed ill.

I wish you were still here to share these simple things with me… and Henry. Not romantically with Henry! I'm just making a mess of this aren't I?

I'm still really tempted to go for a run and I know you'd think I'm an idiot for it but I think I will do it. And hey, I won't need a shower when I get back! It's good exercise anyway, for when I'm fighting dragons, being chased by ogres or just trying to catch a criminal. I need to work of those bear claws somehow! Even if in the past I may have had other ideas about how to do th…" There was a sharp intake of breath that hissed over the voicemail, Regina almost called Emma right there, she was hurting herself and Regina felt pain for her. She didn't know why she cared so much. It was probably because Emma was her only tenuous link to the outside world. She would have to write another note for the Sheriff to find when she came back from her run.

XXX

_If you smile through your pain and sorrow maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shining through. Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness, you must keep trying because what's the use of crying? Keep smiling. No matter what, smile._

Emma couldn't help but smile as she reviewed the note carefully placed squarely on the pile of paperwork at the office.

"Don't think I didn't catch that reference Mayor Mills. Perhaps you should have taken your own advice." Emma hummed the tune for a little while before singing the lyrics she was referring to. "That's the time that you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile." Her voice wasn't perfect and her words tripped out of her mouth but all considering it wasn't too bad. "You never smiled enough, not properly, there was the politician smile, the evil smirk, the darkly amused smile but only ever occasionally was there a true smile. Henry says you used to smile more, in private with him. Archie made him talk about you to me as he thinks it will help him as well as letting me know more about his life.

I don't want to take away his memories of you; I want him to treasure them. I made him keep all the photos I found in your house while I was briefly there in a scrapbook. I think I look at it more than he does. You…He looked so cute when he was younger.

It also occurred to me that we don't have a photo as a… well you know. We should have done, for Henry. Snow's making us get a photo, well photos. I think it's her way of dealing with your… you know. She's getting pictures of her and David, and then me and Henry, and then me with them, and then the four of us. And on top of that there will be a photo of Gold and Henry, Gold, Henry and Belle, Gold and the four of us and Gold and Belle and the four of us. I think that's all of them, I'm not really sure. All I know is that you should be there, you deserve to be there and it's stupid that you're not.

Anyway I better go smile for the camera. Catch ya later." Emma regretfully hung up as she glanced at the clock knowing that her facial muscles would be aching by the end of this.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm attempting Nanowrimo again this year so updates might be a bit sparse. Thanks to all of you reading this X**

**Trigger warning: Language and self-harm**

"Who'd of ever believed that getting a few pictures would take two hours!" Emma's voice bounced out of Regina's phone. She smiled, dusted her hands from the flour she was using to make an apple turnover and moved closer to the phone to hear it better. "Mary-Mar…Snow…Mum…ugh! Whatever! She was trying to get me to wear a ball gown, one of her old ones, a stupid purple thing. I say tried, she managed to get me into it…" a peel of laughter fell from Regina's lips as she recalled the exact dress that Emma was referring to "but when I refused to smile 'like I meant it'…" Regina laughed some more, she could just see Emma making air quotes whilst on her end of the phone, she could also picture Emma's face in that dress, she could feel her abdominal muscles straining from disuse, she hadn't properly laughed in decades "but I still had to wear a dress. I don't think you ever saw me in a dress, but I think you'd rank it above my red jacket, which is beautiful." Emma's voice rose in mock defence. Regina laughed more, picturing Emma clutching that monstrosity protectively to her chest; perhaps it wasn't as bad as she had made out.

"Unfortunately swords don't go with dresses. Which is unfair, David…erm Dad and Gold had them; even Henry had this tiny knife. Don't worry I made sure it was blunt! I only agreed to this because Mary-_she_ told me that it would show who we were. I thought she was going on about the whole saviour thing, but no, apparently she was on about the princess thing. Ugh! I abdicate!" No matter how hard she tried Regina couldn't lose the smile on her face, it felt natural and good.

"I don't want to be a fucking princess! Henry keeps quoting Lion King at me" Emma's voice dropped into a whine that didn't really sound much like Henry "That's like saying you don't want to be a lion. It's in your blood." Emma growled "I'm not a lion!" This outburst wiped the smile off Regina's face. "I keep trying to tell them… that I'm not a princess… but they don't listen to me." Regina snarled in disgust, she knew all about having a parent who wouldn't listen to you and tried to push you to be someone you were not. She blamed Snow for Emma's current discomfort.

A single sob escaped through the phone, followed by ragged breaths.

Regina stood in anguished silence, each breath tearing into her soul. Tears stung Regina's eyes. She didn't know what was happening to her, she didn't know why the blonde woman was affecting her so much.

XXX

Emma's phone died but she kept trying to hold back her anguished cries, she couldn't let her parents find her in this state, she couldn't let Henry find her like this.

Emma, without thinking, grabbed her keys and heavily scraped the word 'HELP' into the underside of her forearm. The red stood out against the pale skin in raised scratches.

It stung and Emma hissed sharply as the pain hit her. Her eyes watered for a moment but soon cleared. She examined the damage and swore. She had only meant to leave a soon-to-fade scratch to clear her brain; instead the first layer or two of skin had been sliced unevenly. Blood could be seen but it wasn't welling out of the wound.

She hissed again as she pulled her jacket on and the material slid over her arm, she needed to hide it so she could go to the bathroom and clean it. She internally berated herself for stupidly doing this. She couldn't control the sharp stinging pain anymore, which was the whole point of what she did, control to clear her head and control her thoughts. This was now just another thing she couldn't control and she hated herself for it.

After washing the scratches and placing healing gel on them Emma decided to go for a run in the woods, she could explain the scratches away by claiming to have run into some thorns, although she hoped no one would notice, she didn't think they would, no one had noticed the bite marks and bruises.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I found this a tricky chapter (and I know I've said it before). I would like to point out that Emma's injury really is just scratches, not very deep, as some of you thought it was deeper. Thank you all X**

Regina couldn't keep still anymore; she had to get out of the confines of her cabin, further than ten metres. She grabbed a coat and stalked out, trying to keep her feelings in check. She barely knew where her feet were taking her, all she could think of was Emma and the despair she felt for her. She unconsciously sped up, trying to outpace her demons.

Her chest hurt so much she was surprised she hadn't collapsed.

Perhaps it was magic, perhaps it was fate, or perhaps it was merely a coincidence that she heard ragged breaths and pounding footfalls. The blonde that had been ever present in her mind since the first phone call, raced past Regina, tears blinding her eyes. She tripped and fell. Regina watched as Emma shook on the floor, breaths coming fast and shallow, a look of terror on her face as the occasional gasped 'no' escaped her lips.

XXX

Emma couldn't feel her physical surroundings; none of it was real anymore. She couldn't control it, she couldn't control herself, her body jerked against her will, muscles tensing randomly, hands writhing. She couldn't get enough breath, yet she had too much air. The world spun, but was she even a part of this world, it didn't seem real, it couldn't be real.

Regina couldn't be gone, she couldn't be a single Mom, she didn't have parents, no one wanted her, no one who thought they wanted her knew her. It was too much, her emotions were drowning her, nothing good was for her. They couldn't know, they needed to know, they would hate her, they already hated her. She couldn't tell anyone about her stupid feelings, they wouldn't understand, they couldn't understand, they would refuse to understand.

It was all falling apart and she couldn't stop it. The cracks were appearing, widening and breaking off too fast. She couldn't…

Dirt got into her scratches and Emma hissed. She couldn't even control the pain anymore, nobody noticed, nobody cared…

XXX

Regina could not stand and watch as Emma's fingernails clawed viciously at anything within reach, including her own skin. She raced over to Emma, placed a hand on her back between her shoulders and helped her to a sitting position.

She pulled Emma to her, trying to calm both of them.

XXX

Emma was aware of comforting hands, of curling into a warm body. It felt safe. Gentle hands took her own, preventing her mad scrambling.

Her body was still tense but the shaking had lessened, her breathing was still too fast but it was deeper, she closed her eyes and felt like her consciousness had returned to her body. Slowly she was beginning to take in the sensations around her. The cold ground, the wind, the soft reassuring murmurs of the person cradling her.

Emma wondered who it was but she didn't want to open her eyes and return to the scary world she resided in. She tried to place the voice, she was sure she knew it. It was female, she could tell that much. Quite a low pitched female voice but still a female. It almost sounded like Regina but that was wishful thinking, she was dead.

A wave of grief threatened to overwhelm her again but the arms around her held tighter, anchoring her to sanity.

She allowed herself to believe it was Regina, she believed it so much, wanted it so much, that she could smell her, spicy apples diffusing into her sinuses. She took a deep breath, unwilling to open her eyes and face who it really was.

Her mind wandered to Regina, to going on family outings they never went on.

XXX

Regina felt Emma relax, her breath evening out in sleep. She hated leaving her but she couldn't reveal herself, not like this. And she had got to see Emma.

She carefully laid the younger woman on the floor, in the recovery position just in case. She noticed thin scratches on her pale arm. They were just scratches, like getting caught in a bramble bush, but they had to sting. Regina could also tell that they hadn't come from an accident; they went in too many directions, to precisely for that.

She peered closely at the markings, her mind playing dot-to-dot. She could just make out the word 'HELP'.

"Oh Emma." Regina sighed. She waved a hand and purple enshrouded the woman's arm. It wouldn't heal her but it would certainly speed the healing.

She didn't want to leave Emma like this but she could see no other option.

"Stay strong." She whispered, planting a soft kiss to the other woman's hairline before getting up and walking away without looking back, she couldn't look back.


End file.
